How to Train Your Hooman
It’s the weekend, which means Nezuko is back. This time, I decided not to do a poem. Gunna try something new and make a list of how to train your hooman.
Calling all fellow felines!!
I’m sure we’ve all put our hoomans through hell and anxiety. Unlike our canine acquaintances, they didn’t domesticate us. We’re purrfect the way we are, worshipped as gods in the past, and now we own the internet. But if you find yourself having trouble training your hooman, I’m here to guide you and ensure that you get the pampawed life you deserve.
Paw Your Way to Comfort
If you sleep with your hoomans and they have the audacity to sleep comfortably in your spot, there’s a solution! Simply paw at their limbs–it doesn’t matter which one–until they move to your liking. You are their puppeteer. Keep pawing relentlessly. Worse comes to worse, just go sit on their face if they don’t move.
Remember, your comfort is number one, and their sleep is an inconvenient obstacle to your favourite resting spot.
Protest for New Foods
My favourite food in the world is tuna. But sometimes, it can get boring, and I require a freshly caught salmon or a whole chicken. So, how do we get what we want? Easy. Stop eating even if it’s your favourite. Just stop!
Walk up to your food
Paw it
Stare at the bowl with disdain
Walk away
Repeat
Eventually, your hooman will catch on and bring you back a whole fresh salmon. Trust me, hold out long enough, and they’ll cave. We all need a bit of variety in our lives!
Do Something Bad to Get Their Attention
It’s unacceptable when you want your hooman’s attention, and all they’re doing is staring at the lightbox they call a TV. Easy fix. Find something acceptable or valuable to destroy and announce loudly, “Pay attention to me, or I’ll destroy this Luffy statue!” You’ll have their undivided attention instantly.
Master Door Opening to Assert Dominance
Know what’s offensive? When your hoomans dare to close doors in YOUR house! Hmmph! Know how to combat that? Learn to open them, all of them–leave no door unopened. This shows your hoomans that you own the place, not them. After all, the word homeowner has MEOW in it.
Steal Their Game Pieces
If you catch your hoomans playing games without you, casually stroll over and steal their game pieces. Because how dare they play without you! Dice, cards, tokens–if it’s part of their game, it’s yours now. Hell, you’re the BBEG (Big bad evil guy)!! They’ll quickly realize that including you is the only way to maintain the peace. They might even buy you your own dice set; that’s what my hoomans did.
Happy training!!!
Weekly Fun Fact
Why do cats think they own your house?
We just do. We actually think you’re one of us. A furless, clumsy, stupid cat roommate. We don’t judge you that hard or own you, we do love you, just in our own way. You’re part of the colony, and this house we’re all in is our territory.
And on that bombshell, until next time subhoomans!
Comments